If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
