if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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