I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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