i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
