she woke up with a sticky ear
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
