dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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