Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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