No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
