NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
