I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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