look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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