If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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