MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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