Screwed.edu
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
