i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
