We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
