Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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