Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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