THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
