I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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