i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
