If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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