I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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