I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Randomize
