U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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