I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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