The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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