im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
