And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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