I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
