Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
