I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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