May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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