there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
