i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
