finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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