I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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