Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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