My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
