Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
