yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
