Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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