I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
