oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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