She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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