I wanna bring you to show and tell
She is in my trunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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