Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
