i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
