nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
