Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
