Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
