You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
