guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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