It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
