I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
