a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
soo... how was my night?
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