"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
