it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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