Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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