No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Randomize
