i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
