She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
