you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize