Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Randomize
