He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
