just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
