they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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