I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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