Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
