make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize