I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
