she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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