One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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