Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
